Shameful Otaku Secret!

Ask Sheryl

Diru Sheryru,
All my friends have breast implants and cybernetic vibro-tron vaginas. Then I see these monstrous Zentradi women with their blue hair and easy upskirt potential. How can I compete?
-Sadly My Assets a Little Liliputian, Tiny In the Torso

Dear Small Tits,
Don’t worry! I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but I’m alllll natural. In this day and age, especially on Galaxy, that’s really the exotic thing. By not sticking out, you’re standing out. By the way, have you heard the term “loli?”
♥Sheryl

Dear Sheryl,
I recently started dating a really sweet guy. He’s smart, a little bit of a bad boy, and he races cars! Problem is, I’m worried that he might be prettier than me. I’m no slouch, but his hair is just lustrous, and his skin is like soft porcelain.
-Worried, Hesitant About Trap

Dear What,
Oh, honey, if this is the least of your problems, then let it go! Don’t you know that men that pretty are all self-absorbed and wouldn’t dare be seen with a scrub? That must mean there’s at least something hot about you, even if it’s just your fashion sense. Take it as a compliment, but don’t let it go to your head. You’ll keep him around as arm candy a lot longer if you make him think he’s still the fanciest frog on the lily pad.
♥Sheryl

Oh Sherry,
I recently got dumped by my boyfriend. He was a pilot. You know, like the song? This is a little embarrassing to ask, but frankly I’ve been… frisky lately, and unable to shall we say vent the tension? I know you spend long periods of time on tour, and I thought maybe you might have some advice.
-Holding Out for Really Nice Yeoman

Dear Horny,
First, don’t invoke Steve Perry, you know those are old wounds! Second, do you have a cell phone?
♥Sheryl

Dear Sheryl,
How do you keep inspired? I’d like to become a singer too! I am small, but I have big dreams! I do have a muse, though. He’s very pretty.
-Hopeful Optimist On Frontier

Dear Hoof (?),
There seems to be a theme today. Well, at any rate, what you need to remember is that inspiration can strike you at any moment, so be prepared for it! I carry a pen and paper all the time in case I need to write lyrics, and if my stupid date has used all the paper to make paper airplanes, I’ll improvise if I have to. Also, rest assured: there will always be a backup band when you really need one.
♥Sheryl

Editor’s Note

Well, it’s a good Macross post if I spent entirely too much time on it. With Ranka’s surprised and disappointed glimpse at Alto and Sheryl on their “star date,” as the episode is titled, trace the exact moment that the Macross Triangle Effect began in earnest. The internet is ablaze this week with people absolutely loving Sheryl, in spite of the internet’s tendency toward rampant pedophilia (was that overly mean?), and I’m with them! Her Bitch Quotient is way down, but that might be because nothing’s standing in her way right now. She says (quite sexfully) that she likes Alto because he doesn’t treat her like a star, so what happens when the Kabuki Novelty is over?

Animation quality, on the other hand is sinking almost as fast as Leon’s rep. I hope they’re not running out of cash already. No bother, though — it’s still good, and hopefully they’re just saving for the next space battle. Either way, Macross is still my jam for this season. Also, have some ice cream.

Miss Macross

Holy cow, what a week! I originally wrote a bunch of excuses here, but hands up who wants to read that. I thought so.

Recap

I fucking called it, bitches! The silliest and most endlessly-repeated ditty in the original Macross’s lineup, “My Boyfriend Is A Pilot,” was Ranka’s Miss Macross song.

I actually was joking about that, but to find I was right actually got me a little nostalgic and even pumped up. Not to mention I also called that Alto would shoot down Mikhail in training by accident, be forced to trade in his pilot suit for a bikini and have to enter Miss Macross himself, only to find Ranka a jaded maneater, but I suppose that too was a joke. Right?

Revelations!

• My Boyfriend Is Indeed a Pilot! Congratulations, princess. We knew you could do it. If you couldn’t, this series would be really short and pointless. But the fact that he managed to pass his training mission by killing a real live Vajra with no guns is impressive. Also, he poses in the mirror.
• Leon and Catherine may be on the rocks! He wouldn’t by chance be sleeping with her because of her daddy, would he?
• Sheryl is seriously going to fuck up Ranka’s day! She may be feeding the kid inspirational words to her face, but she sure has an eye for Alto.
• The official Macross Bikini is millimeters away from buttcrack city!
  
• Princess and Pappy are not on good terms! Saotome-san the senior didn’t even acknowledge that he knew who his son was. Apparently quitting the Kabuki circuit is a big deal.
• The military is totally useless! Only Blackwater SMS can get the job done.
• Ranka is pretty damn cute! In fact, much too adorable to win a beauty pageant. Because “cute” doesn’t mean “prance around sexfully and wow the judges with your immense rack,” it means “try to bow but instead bang your noggin against the microphone.” Kawaii, motherfuckers!
• Certain aspects of anime make me really uncomfortable if I think too hard about them! Wait, that’s no revelation, that’s a fact of life I live with on a near-daily basis. What the hell is Crackhead Mike on about?

I’m pleased as punch that the Zentradi are back in my life, but the first full-fledged one we meet changes from a huge-breasted Amazon beast into a Loudmouthed Loli when she hits the Micloning machine.

This is a few kinds of wrong.

1. The loudmouthed loli archetype is already a means of veiling pedophiliac tendencies behind a thin wall of “comedy.” Naming a loudmouthed loli as your favorite character just means you think her “comedic” “antics” are trés hilarious!
2. The fact that Klan is, in her true form, a real woman with gigundic bouncing tits further legitimizes your attraction, you sick puppy.
3. Lolification is a real trend, whether you enjoy it or are indifferent to it, and now it’s in my Macross, which is worse than that time you got your chocolate in my peanut butter. Ranka was one thing, but it’s spreading.

Kilobytes upon kilobytes have been written on this subject, and I’m not trying to add fuel to that monotonous and endless fire. Or am I? I definitely don’t want to be associated with my more prudish countrymen at places like ANN, i.e.,  “I write vicious indictments of harmless TV series because secretly I’m fapping to this shit and I’m as culturally hypocritical as five Japanese people stacked together.” Just wanted to give my thoughts. I’m fresh off starting an ef review, and I was struck by the reverse situation (”my body is basically an ok place in some jurisdictions but I have the mind of a 12-year-old, fetishize me please”), so maybe I’m being overly sensitive right now. Also, I’m just a little touchy about Macross.

Final Thoughts: Take care of yourselves (and each other)

I’m probably sensitive because Macross F is thus far the closest parallel to the original that I’ve seen, and it’s so pants-shittingly exciting sometimes — even “My Boyfriend Is A Pirate” got me going — but I’m just waiting for it to go to pot. It hasn’t yet: this was my favorite episode — it had the singing, it had the fighting, it had hints of the drama revving up. And it was awesome! Bonus points: froggy cellphone, Valkyrie backpack, extreme jiggle factor (legitimately for lulz).