Shameful Otaku Secret!

I was never a big fan of the shounen fight-a-week genre. In fact, I haven’t really seen that much. I wasn’t even really into Dragonball. I guess I did watch a lot of Inuyasha on TV.

Does Pokemon count?

Regardless, I think I could probably write a script for one. Let’s give it a shot. I don’t really know the script format, though, so we’ll call this the novelization.

And now, OTOU-SAN VS. NEEDLESS, episode 1. Read it after the JUUUUUUUMP!

The Year is 200X

Otou-san stepped into the ruined city, which was somehow reminiscent of Fist of the North Star but also somehow kind of lame. NEEDLESS appeared before him in a flash of pencilly speed lines and economic movement ripped straight out of Gurren Lagann. He briefly grated a hard Parmigiano on his abs.

“A ha, SHIRTLESS,” said the cynical Otou-san, “When I saw a guy who looks like a poorly-drawn Kamina fan art, I knew it’d be you. Your reputation precedes you, and shames your studio, Madhouse.”

“That’s NEEDLESS!” shouted the bulky, pointy anime, who was adapted from a manga in Ultra Jump magazine. He dropped the cheese and flexed his giant arms as the camera dove low and some sort of artifical thunder boomed behind him.

Otou-san chuckled to himself because he knew that the viewers would love his humor — after all, calling someone something that isn’t their name is the near-pinnacle of sophisticated jokedom. If he could perhaps misunderstand some of NEEDLESS’s words that didn’t actually sound alike, he would secure a victory for sure. Only falling with your face in a character’s boobies can possibly compete, and he knew NEEDLESS didn’t have it in him — at least not yet.

“Maybe we should get started with this fighting thing,” Otou-san mused, or rather, shouted boldy as if challenging the stars. Perhaps he could in fact challenge the stars, since he was inexplicably flying through the air. But NEEDLESS only laughed a fake-ass belly laugh with his hands planted on his hips.

“I intend to do just that,” said the anime with increasing intensity as the camera zoomed closer over the rough terrain until finally it was in his eye. “But first, I must talk some more!!!”

Otou-san countered. “I don’t think so, cartoon show! EXPOSURE OF YOUR BIBLICAL NAMING SCHEME AS NOTHING BUT A WEAK EXCUSE FOR IMPLIED DEPTH!!” The attack rumbled forth from Otou-san’s stubby claws, and though no one could see — the name of the attack had taken up everyone’s entire field of vision — it cut a huge swath through the urban wreckage. There was no way it couldn’t crush NEEDLESS. Arudoc may be mean, but his assesment here was right. There’s nothing behind the names Adam, Eve, and Cruz. Not to mention, if Cruz’s elder sister didn’t turn out to actually be his mother, Otou-san pledged to himself right there to eat an ATM receipt he found.

But at the last second, NEEDLESS dodged.

“HAHA! KISAMA etc! No one watches these kinds of shows expecting depth anyway, so Adam, Eve, and Cruzchrist are already a step ahead of the competition!”

“NANI?” Otou-san’s eyes widened in fear and surprise.

“But… at your power level? This should —”

Before he could complete his admittedly banal thought process, NEEDLESS was upon him.

“POWER OF QUALITY SEIYUU VOICE!!”

Though again, only the attack’s name could be seen, it was briefly damaging to Otou-san. Indeed, Takehito Koyasu, Adam’s voice actor, is one of anime’s greats, with a leading role in Macross 7 (Gamlin) to boot. Add to that Initial D, Evangelion, Crest of the Stars, and of course his role as Excalibur in Soul Eater, and he’s a mighty force.

The attack was brief and the damage small, though: The rest of the cast is so highly annoying, especially Eve, that Otou-san was nearly unscathed. Besides, Koyasu was in To Love-Ru, and that was just plain shit.

[OK, maybe I can’t write this shit. So monotonous.]

CUT TO THE FINAL SCENE!!!!

NEEDLESS stumbled backward, pummeled from the force of the mighty blogger’s onslaught, though somehow his cape did not move in the huge wind.

But Otou-san’s eyes widened in fear yet again as a sweeping 2880-degree camera pan landed upon NEEDLESS’s lips, which curled slightly into a menacing sneer.

“This time,” the unrepentant anime said contemptuously, “you won’t escape.”

He raised his hands high, fingers curled into a mangled thorn bush.

“LITERAL INSULT ADDED TO FIGURATIVE INJURY!!!!!!”

The words stamped on the screen with a huge noise, and when they cleared, Otou-san was nearly destroyed.

“You bloggers think you know pandering. You know NOTHING! I would kill you, but I’d rather taunt you for at least 50 episodes and leave a burned scar on your mind, forcing you to re-evaluate everything you’ve ever called ‘pandering,’ ‘cancer,’ and ‘fanservice!’ I WILL TAKE YOUR EYEBALLSS TO SCHOOL AND BEAT THEM SENSELESS OUT BEHIND THE SHED!!!”

Otou-san cowered, for he had heard of this devastating attack. But it was too late.

“ENDING CREDITS BUUUUUREEEEEAAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

And if you don’t know what happens next, read this tweet, then read this tweet, then go watch this if you think you have the stones and are not at work or in the presence of a lady.

And since any good American cartoon always had a moral, here’s mine: Watch that ED. Enjoy it. Replay it. Take your laptop to the bathroom if you must, but I plead: Don’t let it be the reason you come back next week. If you do, the terrorists win.

Posted Monday, July 6th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Categories: action, first impressions
Tags: madhouse,needless,summer 2009